SNS 142: Saturday Night Special – Interview with Peyton Garland author of Not So By Myself

[00:00:00] Scott Maderer: Welcome to tonight's Saturday night, special episode 142.

[00:00:06] Peyton Garland: Hey, I'm Peyton Garland. I challenge you to invest in yourself, invest in others, develop your influence and impact the world by using your time, your talent and your treasures to live out your calling, having the ability to find the grace to forgive yourself and others is key.

[00:00:23] And one way to be inspired to do that is to listen to this. The inspired stewardship podcast with my friend, Scott Maderer.

[00:00:34] I just have pieces of me that really need to be worked on, but I just refuse to work on and then. With Josh being gone. What I learned very early on is I had shoved lots of monsters into the corner of my closet and I shut the closet because I could be distracted by him and by the noise and by life.

[00:00:53] Scott Maderer: Welcome and thank you for joining us on the inspired stewardship podcast. If you truly [00:01:00] desire to become the person who God wants you to be, then you must learn to use your time, your talent and your treasures for your true calling in the inspired stewardship podcast. We'll learn to invest in yourself, invest in others and develop your influence so that you can impact the world.

[00:01:19] and tonight and Senator night special. I interview Peyton Garland. I asked Peyton about her latest book, not so by myself. I also asked Peyton to share what has impacted her faith journey the most. And then Peyton also talks with you about what messages she shares to those hurt by the church. No one area that a lot of folks need some help with is around the area of productivity.

[00:01:47] Getting not just more things done, but actually getting the right things done can be really. I've got a course called productivity for your passion. That's [00:02:00] designed to help you do this and then to hold you accountable and walk with you so that you can tailor productivity, not just to be getting more done, but actually getting the right things done.

[00:02:14] What's more, we take the approach of looking at your personality and how you actually look at things in the world and tailor the productivity system to your personal. Because the truth is a lot of the systems that are out there are written really well for somebody with a particular personality type.

[00:02:32] But if you have a different approach to things, they just don't work, but there's tools and techniques and approaches that you can take that will work for anyone. And we help you do that in productivity for your passion. Check it out over@inspiredstewardship.com slash law. Peyton Garland is a writer.

[00:02:52] Want to be rapper and coffee shop hopper who loves connecting people to a grace much bigger than expected her Joe [00:03:00] beaut book, not so by myself was promoted by former white house, press secretary, Dana Perino and endorsed by Ted talk speaker and creator of the more love letters. Moment, Hannah. Peyton is a guest writing coach for the broadleaf writers association and frequent feature on mental health awareness and faith based podcasts.

[00:03:21] So OCD, hope and anxiety, all gifts. You don't have to be perfect and many more. She's also written not. So by myself, this book is about fear and loneliness and the safe space God can create. She lives in Colorado Springs with her husband, Josh and their two gremlin dogs, Alfie. Welcome to the show, Peyton.

[00:03:43] Peyton Garland: Oh, thanks for having me. I'm super excited to be here.

[00:03:46] Scott Maderer: Absolutely. So we talked a little bit in the intro about you've got a number of books out, but this latest one, talk a little bit about your journey and what's brought you to, to putting these books [00:04:00] out into the world.

[00:04:01] Peyton Garland: Yeah. Good question.

[00:04:02] So not so by myself, that is my most current book, baby. It was inspired by a very tough season of loneliness. My husband is a pilot, but he wasn't a pilot when we first got married. And so I was very used to the nine to five life. I had my rhythms, my routines, my comfort zones. And then when he becomes a PI.

[00:04:21] He finishes this flight school, the only airport that had a job available for him with states away. So we lived in Georgia at the time and he literally had to move to Indiana. So we're states away hours away. And we had just moved to a new part of Georgia less than a month before that, for me to start a new job.

[00:04:39] So I don't know my coworkers, I don't know my neighbors. I know nobody. I've never been away from my family. This is the first time I'm away from them. And the one person I did know. Now up and gone. And so I learned so much about my faith, about mental health on this journey of loneliness. And so on the flip side of that season, I thought that I can [00:05:00] encourage others who were walking through that as well.

[00:05:02] Scott Maderer: Thank you about that. So I, what came to mind, for instance, one of my former pastors had a situation where of course, pastors get transferred to new churches, at least in the Methodist church. And her husband had a job. And it's one of these things where literally, like if you worked in another six months, it made he was vested in the retirement system where if he quit today all of that.

[00:05:25] So he had to stay behind and she moves hours away. I think those sorts of things happen to us more than I think most people think of but loneliness of course is even bigger than that. I you can even be lonely. When you're in the room with a bunch of people. So what are some of the things you learned about loneliness and as you were working through.

[00:05:48] Yeah.

[00:05:49] Peyton Garland: So for me, loneliness I was physically by myself most of the time, but what I learned is even in a room full of crowded people, or even with two or three very close [00:06:00] friends, I learned that if my soul wasn't settled than I wasn't settled, regardless of where I was and who I was with.

[00:06:07] And so for me, it was such an internal thing that I wasn't fully aware of until the flip side of it all.

[00:06:13] Scott Maderer: If somebody was to pick up this book, what are a couple of the takeaways or nuggets that I'm thinking from the point of view, somebody who's probably already hearing this and going. Yeah, I've got some loneliness or whatever, but what's the takeaway for them or the expectation for them?

[00:06:30] If they pick up and work through the book,

[00:06:32] Peyton Garland: I think it would have to be the tagline of the book holds so much power. The taglines, my favorite over the title, but it's a safe space where God doesn't fix the loneliness, specifics with you and stuff. And so it's just this truth that most hard things don't get fixed overnight, even when you're praying through them.

[00:06:54] But there's so much of God's presence where you're sitting in the middle of your mess. And that also [00:07:00] directly links to another nugget or truth in my book is that grace and perfection can't co-exist. So in this tough season, you're not going to be perfect. And as soon as you accept that you actually have access to grace, which gives you so much more freedom to navigate a tough seasons.

[00:07:17] And

[00:07:17] Scott Maderer: those of us that are closet perfectionist will be very upset to hear that. But it is true. I think that's probably one of the ways that I've spoken is hi, my name is Scott. I'm a perfectionist. As a recovering perfectionist. I think part of what has helped me with that is my journey to recognizing that grace, I I would, I think that resonates with me, grace and perfection can't coexist.

[00:07:41] What, how did that come about? How did that realization come about from the journey that you took with your husband being in another state and I guess how did the book and the loneliness connect to your faith and your understanding of grace?

[00:07:53] Peyton Garland: So that started years before I was even married. So I was a Christian school kid.

[00:07:59] I went to [00:08:00] church every time the church doors were open. Unfortunately I grew up in a very legalistic church culture. So God was nothing but a bunch of rules and a bunch of boxes to check. And so I checked them because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I ended up being the valedictorian of my high school class.

[00:08:17] I was the only Virgin in my sorority in college. I was just a good. I was checking all the boxes. ACEing all the tests, doing all the things. And finally this season in my life with something I was not doing. And so I think I literally had to fall on my face and just have everything, not work, everything crumble, everything go totally out of my control for me to say, okay, we're going to have to bank on grace because for once I can't bank on myself,

[00:08:45] Scott Maderer: Unpack that a little bit more because that's an interesting faith journey.

[00:08:50] I, my part of my faith journey is. I was raised in the church, very active in the Methodist church considered going to seminary. [00:09:00] Very much on that path. And literally then became what I called an atheist. I now would say, was really agnostic for 22 years and never, and didn't set foot in the church to now being back in the church and very active and very literal back and forth raised in a legalistics church, sorts of things along that journey have impacted your faith journey and made you mentioned falling on your face, but unpack that a little bit more.

[00:09:28] Peyton Garland: Oh, yeah. For women at least. And so I was in a very Southern Baptist culture and this isn't hate on that denomination by any means, but I was deep in the Bible belt, deep into Southern Baptist doctrines and it really told women that they didn't have much of a.

[00:09:45] So I, if I had questions about the finances and the church, if I had questions about leadership, I could ask a man to ask for me, but it wasn't my place to speak. I had a very strict dress code. I was supposed to add to that really had no biblical [00:10:00] texts. It was just, here's a dress code that somebody made up.

[00:10:03] And I, I eventually thought that may be, God just wanted me as a woman to sit down, shut up and just do what I was supposed to. And that was it. It was a very cut and dry no emotional attachment saying whatsoever. And I got tired of the rules. They became very heavy. They didn't make sense to me.

[00:10:23] The older I got. And so God was someone I kept at an arms distance. I knew he was supposed to be in my life, but I. And I loved him because I was supposed to, but I didn't like. Like I wasn't, I did not actually want to sit down and have coffee with God. Like we were not there. And I think what happened is when I got to a place in my life, in this loneliness where I couldn't check the boxes anyway, it just wasn't happening.

[00:10:50] I had to say, okay, He is either a good God, or he is all these rules and all the rules aren't working. And so I'm going to [00:11:00] go out on a limb here and just try to just rationalize here that scripture, when it talks about love and grace and forgiveness, that might be for me, regardless of what state I'm in or regardless of what I can bring to the table.

[00:11:12] So let's try that. And see what happens. And that was just, that was a gateway for me for the first time in my life. I knew I could like, God, I knew I could go to church and find freedom there instead of just so much shame. And it revolutionized the way I saw God.

[00:11:30] Scott Maderer: So w within all of that what do you think was the transforming life experience?

[00:11:36] Was it this loneliness or What else? I

[00:11:40] Peyton Garland: think the pivotal. For me wasn't necessarily that I heard got out of Lear. I saw anything written on the walls, but one night while Josh was still gone and now he's in this very tough season of loneliness. I remember I was just pacing our hallway just up and down.

[00:11:57] I couldn't go to sleep. I, my brain [00:12:00] was spinning. And I got really mad. This is where the loneliness had turned into anger, but I was just furious. The walls in the hallway were empty because he hadn't been home enough to even hang up pictures. Like the whole space just felt dark and cold.

[00:12:17] And I remember I, I started stomping, so I'm no longer walking the hallway. I am stomping the hallway.

[00:12:24] Scott Maderer: And I, it makes it better, it just adds to the emotional build of the climax. So I'm just stomping because I'm furious. And I throw my hands up and I just look up and I say, Hey guy, what in the hew, L are you doing.

[00:12:42] Peyton Garland: And I kid you not, that was probably like the most incorrect and proper irreverent thing.

[00:12:47] Scott Maderer: I was just like, I prayed that one.

[00:12:50] Peyton Garland: Yeah. I said, you're God, I get it. And I'm not going anywhere. Like I will stick this out with you, but I just think you should know. I don't like what you're [00:13:00] doing. I don't see what you're doing.

[00:13:01] I don't feel you. I don't feel that you're good. I don't feel that you're kind, I feel none of that. And I just think you ought to know this is how I feel

[00:13:11] Scott Maderer: right now. I am not happy with

[00:13:13] Peyton Garland: Packery. And it was one of those things that the anger immediately dissipated. So the anger just, I could literally feel it just calming down.

[00:13:23] And again, not that I heard God audibly. But it was like, I felt the holy spirit saying, Hey, this is it. Like now we're talking, this is what I've wanted the whole time. It was never the rules. It was never the dress code. I never created you to then silence you. I wanted you to speak. I wanted your honesty. I wanted you.

[00:13:42] And now I have you. I have the raw real, I don't have the gold stars to show Peyton this. This is who you are. And I'm the kind of God who's going to sit with you as you are. And it was honestly that very simple, wild possibly irreverent prayer that [00:14:00] pivoted the whole thing.

[00:14:00] Scott Maderer: And again for those of us that are Bible readers go read Jeremiah.

[00:14:06] And it's kinda the same prayer. It's just cleaned up a little bit. it's the same brainer, right? The my, my pastor says that Jeremiah is the faithful's prophet. That reading Jeremiah is that recognition of even on those days where you're angry and hurt. And that's sometimes when God shows up, it allowed us as I shared earlier part of my faith journey with leaving the church came about in part because of anger I had with.

[00:14:40] Yeah. I said it was anger with God, but really it was angry with people in the church and being hurt and being angry. And it sounds like you've had some of those same experiences. And I think that shows up for a lot of people or at least I know I hear that from a lot of people as well. W [00:15:00] what would you say to, to those folks that are hearing all of this are resonating with that hurt that they have, that's been caused by the church?

[00:15:09] Peyton Garland: I always have two, two truths that I like to share with people, or at least two things that worked well for me. So you're totally right. I was very hurt by the church, particularly the leadership, which made me very wary of trusting anybody in the church. But one of the first things I say from more of an emotional perspective for people is Your husband or your wife can hurt you.

[00:15:30] Your friends can hurt you and you still show up because something within that love is worth showing up, even when you don't want to. And so from an emotional and mental perspective, I just offer that to people to say, Hey, look, you still show up when there's love and you still show up because other people are in this case, God matters.

[00:15:49] But also from a more literal physical perspective. For a long time. I was very wary of big church congregations. I didn't like the idea of hundreds of people in a room. I don't [00:16:00] know them. I don't know what they believe. I don't know what that guy up on the stage believes the guy playing the guitar was dressed weird.

[00:16:06] I don't know what he does for fun.

[00:16:08] Scott Maderer: I

[00:16:08] Peyton Garland: don't know about you guys. So what I started doing after I stepped away from that church and when I entered adulthood and was discovering where I belonged, I started instead of attending. Church. I started by attending a small group within the church.

[00:16:23] I started very small, very personal where I can, I could get a feel for people. I could see what was important to them. I could see how they welcomed me because it's one thing for 45 minutes to eat dinner in my case, with a group of women and chit chat and then walk away and actually write. These ladies sounded real like this sounded like I matter.

[00:16:44] Or you can go yeah. Red flag. No. Instead of just being in this throng of hundreds of people and listening to one guy the whole time. And so for me, it's, if you're willing to step back into the church realm, start small. I don't think there's [00:17:00] anything wrong with that. And I think it's stronger if you can.

[00:17:03] Build that core trust and almost have a little community within the church to then venture out and plug back in on a much larger scale.

[00:17:10] Scott Maderer: And just to share a part of my return to the church was my wife and I, my son's karate teacher actually ran a little house church non-denominational there was like 20 people in the whole thing maybe 30 that's it.

[00:17:27] And we started attending that. Before I went back to, and I'm still in a relatively small rural church, but it is now it's a hundred, it's more than a hundred people kind of thing. But it was almost like I needed that gateway, as you said, begin trusting the relationships again, before I could move into the laundry church.

[00:17:49] So exactly what you're saying with the book and talking about loneliness. It brings to mind, or I guess I'm thinking with the [00:18:00] pandemic and all of the social social isolation I prefer that it, I prefer physical isolation over social isolation social distancing and all of that.

[00:18:11] How do you think that has affected both the loneliness piece and the faith piece that people are expecting?

[00:18:19] Peyton Garland: I'm really glad you asked that because the timeline of the book being created was something that I had to step back and say, God, completely orchestrated this. There's no way I could have figured this one out.

[00:18:30] I started writing the book only three weeks before the pandemic began. And so the bittersweet thing is it became super marketable. My marketing team was like, yes, the whole world's lonely. Your target audience just grew by the millions but the bitter reality was it's because everyone was facing.

[00:18:48] A season of loneliness, like they had never anticipated. And I actually laughed about it. Not that there was a global pandemic, but I said, I'm used to this. Like I have some tools [00:19:00] now to navigate loneliness. I understand that mental health has to be a priority. I actually, I very quickly into the pandemic, doubled time with my therapist.

[00:19:10] I said, we're going to talk more than we did before. I was able to this.

[00:19:14] Scott Maderer: Oh, good. Oh, good. I wanted to talk to them.

[00:19:17] Peyton Garland: Exactly. I was able to recognize how important my mental and spiritual health were because in a lot of wastes are inseparable. I was able to really maximize time. My husband, Josh, because being in the airlines, aviation is what took the huge hit.

[00:19:34] And so he actually was home for three or four months. And so the beautiful thing is I had grown to really respect and maximize one-on-one time that we had. And so it was a really big thing in our marriage to be able to actually hang out for more than one or two days at a clip. So from a marital perspective, it was wonderful and I've also had people.

[00:19:56] Right in after reading my books since the pandemic and just share how [00:20:00] pivotal it's been. Not because again, like my tagline in my book, not because there's something where you can just fix loneliness at the snap of your fingers, but because you can almost find purpose in the loneliness and you can begin to look at it with a fresh perspective.

[00:20:15] And also sometimes you're not alone. As soon as you realize other people are lonely. Like as soon as someone else can say, yeah, it's me too. You instantly go, oh, I'm not buying. And so that's where the title came from. Oh, so I'm actually not. So by myself, quite like I thought I was.

[00:20:32] Scott Maderer: Yeah. And that's not really the misery loves company kind of thinking either.

[00:20:36] It's just the recognition that we all. We all suffer from loneliness at various times. Yeah. Yeah. My my goddaughters bought me a shirt during the pandemic at the beginning of the pandemic that said social distancing. I've been preparing for this my entire life because yeah. As a as an introvert, I was like this isn't all bad.[00:21:00]

[00:21:00] There's some things about this. I gotta at the same time it was even. An introvert. There were things that were crushing about it. And I think that it, I don't want to make light of it. But yeah, let's flip that on its head. Here, we're talking about physical isolation, and loneliness, but earlier we talked about how you can even be lonely in a group.

[00:21:22] What does loneliness look like when you are in that sitting around the table with 10 people that are, you think of as your close friends or your family and that kind of thing.

[00:21:33] Peyton Garland: It looks like it, at least for me, any time I hinted a little earlier that when my soul is not steady when it's not settled, but I also think diving even deeper into that.

[00:21:45] It's when I just have pieces of me that really need to be worked on that. I just refuse to work on. And then. With Josh being gone. What I learned very early on is I had shoved lots of monsters into the [00:22:00] corner of my closet and I shut the closet because I could be distracted by him and by the noise and by life.

[00:22:06] And when he was gone, monsters could totally come out because now there was. The space to work through things that I didn't want to work through. And so I think when you keep shoving bits and pieces of your life, whether it's trauma, whether it's your past, whether it's fear of the future, you keep shoving those things in the closet.

[00:22:24] You keep building internal pressure and you keep letting your soul sit in a Rocky place. And so regardless of if you're by yourself or with tons of people in the back of your head and also in the front of your heart, you're you're not exactly what you're supposed to be. You're not at peace with yourself.

[00:22:41] And so peace was a huge thing for me, because without that I could be near anyone and still just feel totally alone because my head and my heart were doing all the talking. Yeah. You're not okay.

[00:22:54] Scott Maderer: It's having that sense of contentment, right? Exactly. Again to use [00:23:00] the verse and paraphrasing, but I could have everything.

[00:23:03] I can have nothing that matter. I'm still content that, that moment. So I've got a few questions that I like to ask all of my guests, but before I move to that, is there anything else as we wrap this up from the book or anything else along that, that you'd like to share with the.

[00:23:20] Peyton Garland: I would, so my book, I had lots of readers asked me if I would consider writing a Bible study with it, if there was a companion guide. And so after I got several of those requests, I ended up creating a Bible study companion and it has video content. It has written content. It parallels the book. It's a simple six week study you can do by yourself or with a small group.

[00:23:44] And that's all on my website at Peyton Garland dot. So if you like the book and you want to check out a way to plug in even more, the Bible study companion is that they level two.

[00:23:54] Scott Maderer: So what are the questions I like to ask? All of my guests is I have. My [00:24:00] brand is inspired stewardship and run things through that filter of stewardship.

[00:24:04] And yet what I've discovered is that word doesn't mean the same thing to everybody. So for you, what does the word stewardship mean and how has it impacted your journey in your life?

[00:24:14] Peyton Garland: Growing up, I thought stewardship was just using the materials you have available to give to others which in broad perspective, I think that's correct.

[00:24:23] But the older I've gotten after writing this book, after this wonderful communities come to support me, I've realized that for me, stewardship, literally equates vulnerability. The two sit on very even scales for me in order for me. To steward my resources. That means I have to be very open and honest with where I am and where I see God and all that.

[00:24:44] Scott Maderer: Change or that shift. How has that affected your journey or your life? I like God and I liked myself and I D I didn't like either for a very long time. And so there's a freedom of being able to go to sleep at night, knowing that your soul is okay.

[00:24:59] [00:25:00] How is it with your soul all as well?

[00:25:03] That's I'm Methodist and that's the Charles Wesley R John Wesley comment all as well as and his brother wrote a song in a poem about that. So let me ask you this, and this is my favorite question, but for some reason, not all my guests like it, so I'm warning you. Yeah. So if I had this magical machine and I could pluck you out of the chair where you sit today and pull you into the future, maybe a hundred to 150 years and magically, you were able to look back on your entire life and all of the impacts and the ripples that you've left behind.

[00:25:38] What impact do you hope you've left on the world?

[00:25:41] Peyton Garland: I hope that I've showed up in spaces where I knew I would never benefit on the other side of. Like where it was just for the sake of the other soul on the other side of the table and not mine.

[00:25:52] Scott Maderer: So what's coming up on the roadmap. What's coming next for you, as you continue on this.

[00:25:58] So I

[00:25:59] Peyton Garland: have [00:26:00] another book proposal that is ready, all the sample chapters, a sample title right now that's sitting at tired, hungry, and faithful where exhaustion and exile meet God. So that's just a work in progress. And I've also branched out a little bit and written a historical fiction, thriller that I'm pitching right now.

[00:26:18] So lots of writing, still sticking with the Christian living has that's where my heart is. That's where I feel called to, but lots of fun stuff.

[00:26:26] Scott Maderer: That'll be interesting.

[00:26:28] Peyton Garland: That's all right. Hey, read about Jesus and also read about this guy, killing this guy. So many parallels here.

[00:26:33] Scott Maderer: Actually

[00:26:35] I love the people that are like the Bibles on light and fluffy. It's have you read the Bible

[00:26:41] Peyton Garland: old Testament?

[00:26:42] Scott Maderer: Or judges go read judges just by itself. Just go read judges. That's just go read that one book so you can follow Peyton

[00:26:50] on

[00:26:51] Scott Maderer: Facebook is Peyton handers that's H a N E R S or on LinkedIn is Peyton Garland. She's also over on Instagram as [00:27:00] Peyton Garland. Arthur are find out more of course, on her book on, on her website at Peyton garland.com.

[00:27:08] Thanks so much for listening to the inspired stewardship podcast, as a subscriber and listener, we challenge you to not just sit back and passively listen, but act on what you've heard and find a way to live your calling. If you enjoy this episode. Please do us a favor. Go over to inspired stewardship.com/itunes rate.

[00:27:36] All one word iTunes rate. It'll take you through how to leave a rating and review and how to make sure you're subscribed to the podcast so that you can get every episode as it comes out. Until next time, invest your time, your talent and your treasures. Develop your influence and impact the world.[00:28:00]