Join us today for the Interview with founder of Crown Yourself, Kimberly Spencer...
This is the interview I had with speaker, podcast host, and author Kim Spencer.
In today’s interview with Kimberly Spencer, I ask Kim about how her own journey through trauma and recovery led to her work as a trauma-informed coach. I also ask Kim to share how her faith journey affects this as well. Kim also shares why we all, especially leaders, need to understand trauma to lead our people well.
Join in on the Chat below.
Episode 1282: Interview with founder of Crown Yourself Kimberly Spencer
[00:00:00] Scott Maderer: Thanks for joining us on episode 1,282 of the Inspired Stewardship Podcast.
[00:00:07] Kim Spencer: I'm Kim Spencer. I challenge you to invest in yourself, invest in others, develop your influence and impact the world by using your time, your talent, and your treasures to live out your calling. Having the ability to get out of our own way and make the impact you really want to make is the key.
[00:00:26] And one way to be inspired to do that is to listen to this The Inspired Stewardship Podcast with my friend Scott made.
[00:00:41] First of all, trauma can be a huge motivator. It's a huge win to it. It activates our, the amygdala of our brain. That's fight, flight, freeze. And so if you are used to using trauma as your motivator, consciously or unconsciously,[00:01:00]
[00:01:00] Scott Maderer: Welcome and thank you for joining us on the Inspired Stewardship Podcast. If you truly desire to become the person who God wants you to be, then you must learn to use your time, your talent, and your treasures for your true caller. In the Inspired Stewardship podcast, you will learn to invest in yourself, invest in others, and develop your I.
[00:01:22] So that you can impact the world.
[00:01:35] In today's interview with Kimberly Spencer, I ask Kim about how her own journey through trauma and recovery led to her work as a trauma informed coach. I also ask Kim to share with you how her faith journey affects this work as well. And Kim also shares why we all, but especially as leaders, need to understand trauma to lead our people well.
[00:01:58] One reason I like to bring you [00:02:00] great interviews, like the one you're gonna hear today is because of the. In learning from others. Another great way to learn from others is through reading books. But if you're like most people today, you find it hard to find the time to sit down and read, and that's why today's podcast is brought to you by Audible.
[00:02:19] Go to inspired stewardship.com/audible to sign up and you can get a 30 day free trial. There's over 180,000 titles to choose from, and instead of reading, you can listen your way to learn from some of the greatest minds out there. That's inspired stewardship.com/audible to get your free trial and listen to great books the same way you're listening to this podcast.
[00:02:47] Kimberly Spencer is an award-winning, high performance trauma-informed coach and trainer, Amazon bestselling Arthur 10 x speaker and the founder of Crown yourself.com, helping visionary leaders transform their [00:03:00] self-limiting stories. Build their empire, stand out fearlessly, and make the income and the impact they deserve.
[00:03:07] From her entrepreneurial beginnings at five selling bags of glitter water to her neighbors, to becoming an award-winning screenwriter certified Pilates instructor, miss Congeniality, and six time W E G O Health Activist Award. Dominee. Kimberly is proof that it's better to make your own mold than to conform to someone else's.
[00:03:27] She's also the former executive of a national e-commerce startup and was the owner of the private Pilate Studio Fitness with Kim in Los Angeles, California. Her work has been featured on Netflix, the CW ESPN Chicken Soup for the Soul, and NPR and Enth Thrive Global CN b c and Forbes. Welcome to the show.
[00:03:49] Kim Spencer: Thanks so much for having me on, Scott. I appreciate
[00:03:51] Scott Maderer: you. Absolutely. So yeah, we just shared a lot in the intro about your background, your journey, but what [00:04:00] really about your background and journey do you feel took you in the direction of focusing on. Coaching around trauma and what trauma informed coach is the phrase that you use.
[00:04:12] What took you in that direction?
[00:04:13] Kim Spencer: I think it definitely has to do with my own personal story of different childhood traumas that I experienced. And what I've noticed is having coach leaders for the past five years, I've attracted a lot of clients who have had some form of either Big T or little T trauma in their.
[00:04:31] That has driven them toward a level of achievement that's allowed them to be really successful. However, there's only so long that you can drive looking in the rear view mirror and using fear as a motivator. And so what I work with as a trauma-informed high performance coach is on. , how can we shift the client's motivation strategies, maybe even their subconscious values, to be able to better adapt them for where they wanna [00:05:00] go?
[00:05:00] Because the strategies that you've used up to this point have worked and gotten your business so far. Now, if you want them to go to the next level, then how do we turn that vision around? So instead of looking in the rear view mirror, Because that's what trauma is you're running away from what it is that you don't want versus looking ahead at the vision of what it is that you're gonna be creating and how and going forward with faith in a full picture of the possibilities.
[00:05:30] Scott Maderer: What do you think? , you used the phrase running away, and one of the phrases that I've used with clients and you know when I'm talking to people is, are you running from something or are you running towards something? It sounds like you're talking about the same idea.
[00:05:47] How do people recognize which one of those they're doing, if that makes sense? Because I think it can feel like you're running towards something when actually you're running away from something. I
[00:05:57] Kim Spencer: think one of the easiest ways is to look at your [00:06:00] past history and have you gone. Toward something that you really wanted.
[00:06:05] And by going toward that thing that you really wanted, you were stepping farther and farther away until there was some form of self sabotage or something blew up. And so there's a constant pattern of having to restart and constantly having to restart and then start again. or, and whether it's you or the environment or a business collapses, something happens where there's a consistent pattern.
[00:06:32] Once there's a fluke twice as a pattern where there's this constant need for this like restarting, and that's typically a pattern where you can see, okay, I'm, I might be using, running away from something to be a motivation strategy rather than running towards something.
[00:06:47] Scott Maderer: I'm also a really big believer in kind of defining.
[00:06:52] What we're talking about. And you, earlier you used the term Big T or little T Trauma. What, how in your [00:07:00] definition, how do you define trauma and what do you mean by Big T versus little t kind of trauma?
[00:07:06] Kim Spencer: So Big T versus little T, big T traumas are the physical, emotional, sexual abuse that can happen at any time in.
[00:07:17] At any time in your life, but specifically if they happen within the, what psychologists call the imprint period of childhood, which is the age from zero to seven, where you're just this unconscious mind just absorbing all the information and you don't really have the filters to discern what's good, what's bad, what's right, what's wrong, and so we're making all of these unconscious connections during that.
[00:07:38] If the big T traumas happened during that time where there's maybe emotional abandonment or maybe your parents got divorced or there was sexual abuse or physical abuse, those types of events significantly impact how you make decisions as an adult. And what I mean by little t traumas can be a car accident that happened [00:08:00] or depending upon the severity.
[00:08:02] Trauma is really de determined by the person's neurology. So some people can handle extreme circumstances and you're like, I don't know how you survive that. And yet they're just like, oh, I just did cuz I had to. And it, they make it and
[00:08:18] Scott Maderer: they're just kinda walk around see me in the rain, everything's great.
[00:08:21] And yeah.
[00:08:21] Kim Spencer: And then some others have, a way of handling things where their physical neurology is not able to process to the level. And so that's what can develop into mental health problems down the road. And I think too, sometimes we're also good at bearing. So to speak or trying to avoid it as opposed to dealing with it as well.
[00:08:48] Scott Maderer: Does that show up in some
[00:08:49] Kim Spencer: of the work you do? Oh, yeah. It's one of the prime directives of your unconscious mind is to repress, suppress, and hide away things that you're not really emotionally ready to [00:09:00] prep and prepare to deal with. Like for example, when I was a kid I grew up with an alcoholic father, and so there was every type of abuse in that situation.
[00:09:11] It wasn't until I was 17 years old that I, and I was about to leave the house to go off to college, that suddenly the memories came back to me of the sexual abuse that I had when I was six years old. And that was because my unconscious mind was like, you're ready to process this. You're ready to let this go.
[00:09:29] Cuz it was intimately tied with my my body image issues in bulimia back then. And it was through, Process that I was able to forgive my father work through that process and. And now be able to tell the story and in fact have his blessing to do so because he was also sexually abused as a child, and he didn't have the ability to process it until I was able to process it.
[00:09:53] And so that's the beauty of when you, your unconscious mind will present to you with the memories, the [00:10:00] feelings, the emotions, the experience. Sometimes it can come to you in a dream. Sometimes it can come. And just like when you're just walking outside, you're like, oh my gosh. Totally didn't, never made that connection before, but a lot of times it happens in moments of stillness when your unconscious mind suddenly will bring those things of Hey, maybe you're ready, and if you don't suppress, repress, or try to escape from it again.
[00:10:22] That's how you can process and heal If you. If you suppress repress or try to escape it from like workaholism or alcoholism or any sort of, any of the isms, addictive behaviors of any addictive behavior, basically numbing it, then you repress it again. So basically being able to look at what patterns and allow for that curiosity is one of the biggest things that I work with my clients on being able to allow themselves to get curious instead of judgmental over their own.
[00:10:53] Patterns and behaviors because ever everything is learned .
[00:10:57] Scott Maderer: So with [00:11:00] you and your background and the experience that you're out now how did your faith journey intersect and dial in to some of the journey that you took?
[00:11:12] Kim Spencer: Yeah, it definitely evolved because I grew up fundamentalist Christian with my parents and so there was a lot of shame and as a child processing the things that I processed, not understanding this the religion and the religious aspect of all the things that I was going through, because I thought that I was the bad one.
[00:11:36] I thought that I was based on. My experiences and so there was a process of healing that I had a long process in the, oh, especially over the past five years since becoming a mother that I had with my relationship with God and that. I think that entrepreneurship is one of the most spiritual journeys that [00:12:00] you can ever go on when you embark on starting in your own business because you are creating something from nothing.
[00:12:07] You're creating something from Ima pure imagination and idea, and that is very powerful and very scary. And so my faith had to evolve to adapt for certain things. Like I had to heal my own language beliefs around what I thought, who I thought God was, and the relationship that I had with God specifically because I was used to the thunderbolts in the sky old man with a beard and that.
[00:12:33] That hit my rebellious nature against my father, which caused me like, which was like, I don't want that at all, . So instead, coming into looking at God as the loving parent of being able to guide me rather than, Want to hurt me or punish me. And I, that, that's really the main evolution is the stripping away of the shame that [00:13:00] was instilled in me from a very young age.
[00:13:02] Scott Maderer: And it's, I think that shows up. Especially with a lot of trauma at a young age. And it can even be your parents going through a divorce. It can be, yeah. It doesn't necessarily have to be a sexual abuse situation or I grew up in an alcoholic household. Yeah, my father never physically or sexually abused me.
[00:13:23] I found out many years later he did with my sister. Yeah. The, which then I had guilt about that because know, it's yeah. So it's it can show up. I think a lot of different ways that, and I had much of the. Are not, I don't wanna say same cuz it's No, journeys are the same , but I had a lot of the same kinds of questions that you just brought up about, wait, what does that mean about my relationship with God
[00:13:52] Kim Spencer: as well?
[00:13:53] Yeah. Yeah. And it wasn't until I was about a year after I'd given birth [00:14:00] and I was on the phone with my coach and she was, Helping me process, like me as a parent, which was very intimately tied with my business because I joke that I was raising twins, , . Cause I was growing my business while raising a baby.
[00:14:17] And they're very similar journeys. And when she pointed out, she said, oh, I she was the one who said, I realize why. I struggled with trust. And trust issues. Trusting that money would flow in trusting that I would get sales, trusting that I would be able to provide for my family. Those issues were deeply rooted in my trust issues from childhood and thus, Were reflected in my trust issues with God providing for me, and being able to follow this mission that I felt was really placed on my heart.
[00:14:55] And so being able To learn how to trust. Again, that's one of the [00:15:00] greatest things that I work with my clients on is when they're seeking those external validations. And sometimes it's from a pastor or right tarot cards or like when they're seeking, doesn't matter that external, it doesn't matter what it is, but when they're seeking that external validation for whatever.
[00:15:18] I see that as a deep cue that they're not leaning into their innate connection and relationship with the trusting God and God's ability to provide yeah. And work through you. Not just I'm just gonna give you something but work through you as a co-partner.
[00:15:40] Scott Maderer: Yeah, the co-creator. Yeah it's, yeah. Co-create it. It's interesting sometimes cuz it's like you pe I know small business owners who are faith have a faith background and it's like they they'll pray about it and they'll invite God into the situation. And then basically it's then they don't [00:16:00] listen to what God is prompting them.
[00:16:01] It's it would be like investing in the stock market, having Warren BRT sitting beside you and then going, just don't talk to me. Okay. . And yet we do that to ourselves. We cut ourselves off from it or oh, Warren. Yeah. I see what you're saying, but I think you're wrong about this one.
[00:16:19] Kim Spencer: Yeah. , where you're like, no, . And it's those things that I, I. So many people know exactly what they quote unquote should be doing, but it's leaning into that inner calling of that, and it takes a lot of courage. Yeah. It literally it takes a lot of courage to defy the plagiarized programming of your past, as I call it.
[00:16:42] And all the habits, behaviors that you've had, and lean into that voice that's saying, go for. No, do this, reach out to this person, and I can tell you that every time I followed that, that spirit, that source, to be able to reach out to this person, it has worked out immensely and it [00:17:00] doesn't have anything to do with working hard.
[00:17:03] Scott Maderer: Yeah. And it does take a, it takes faith, it takes courage, it takes trust, and we're back to the trust issues. And I think we're leading into the next question that I wanted to ask. I think we've already partially answered it, but I want you to unpack it more.
[00:17:20] Why do you think trauma is so important for entrepreneurs, leaders? For folks in those sorts of positions to really understand what you're talking about.
[00:17:35] Kim Spencer: First of all, trauma can be a huge motivator. It's a huge win to it. It activates our, the amygdala of our brain that's fight, flight, freeze.
[00:17:44] And so if you are used to using trauma as your motivator, consciously or unconsciously, you are. I've seen a lot of really successful entrepreneurs and worked with a lot of really successful entrepreneurs that was their main thing. And there is a fear [00:18:00] of if they lose that, Then if they no longer operate from that space, then how will they actually be successful?
[00:18:08] And that is where we get to the root cause more so than just treating some symptoms of, oh, I'm not just productive enough. And that's, When you understand it, there's something to be said when you have a bit of conscious knowledge of just understanding how trauma plays out in your workforce, in your productivity.
[00:18:29] In I see this manifest in forms like hypervigilance, hyper independence of oh, I don't need anybody. I'm gonna do it all myself. That again, goes back to not trusting the hypervigilance of, oh, I need to like, check on everything, make sure every box is almost perfectionism that can manifest in that way.
[00:18:49] And yes, it can make you very successful to a point. But will you be fulfilled? Will you feel. Successful. And from what I've seen, most people, even if they've achieved [00:19:00] that level of success because they have not been freed from those traumas of their past, then they're still operating from that same paradigm within the box of their trauma.
[00:19:09] So even though they've achieved success, they don't feel the freedom and fulfillment that they could feel. On the other side.
[00:19:14] Scott Maderer: have the. , tangible, external examples of quote success. Yeah. But they don't have the feeling of success E even if they have the stuff
[00:19:24] Kim Spencer: Yeah. Yeah. And everything is vibration and frequency.
[00:19:28] So the feeling is really what we're chasing. And I learned that from my tenure battle with bulimia when I first started to actually heal. That was when I realized that it was never about food or my body. It was about how I. Feel in my body. I wanted to feel energized. I wanted to feel healthy, and so instead of chasing the result of being a certain weight or a certain size, I started looking at how can I chase, how can I start living into the feelings that I already, that I say that I want to feel?[00:20:00]
[00:20:01] So often we have, we put conditions upon how we want to feel, where if I achieve a million dollars in this year, then I'll feel happy, then I'll feel successful, then I'll feel fulfilled, whatever it is for you. And when you look at that y. A feeling is a state, it's a vibrational state that you can literally physically adapt your neurology to with the right tools and techniques.
[00:20:25] So I use a combination of N L P, timeline therapy, hypnosis, breath work, because sometimes your physical neurology of your body is not prepared, especially if you've experienced trauma. It literally does not, may not know, I'm not gonna say does not for everyone, but may not know how to experience. how to experience actual fulfillment because it's con, it's so used to being on that high alert.
[00:20:49] And so when you are able to start tuning into your body of like how is this actually really feeling? Like how is this business deal really feeling For me, like I had to [00:21:00] give you an example, I had one client. Who went into a business partnership out from a place of fear, so in a lower vibrational state.
[00:21:09] She went into that from a place of fear, scared that she was not gonna be able to do it herself. She did, made some silly mistakes that n. She knew better, but she knew, she didn't know that she knew better at the time and just trusted, thought that trust was just blindly accepting. Versus reading a contract,
[00:21:29] And she went into this partnership and found out that she was a 50 50 partner and yet her part And the agreement was that her part in her mind was that her partner would also produce 50% of the leads. Turn out she was present bringing in 99% of the leads and customers and she didn't really feel it was fair sharing 50% of the profits on that.
[00:21:54] And she ended up having to go through a buyout. And I was very grateful cuz I went through a, a. [00:22:00] years ago with my e-commerce company, and I was able to walk her through the emotional steps of that experience and unpack what those. What the decision makers were in the first place. Making decisions based off of fear rather than on faith and trust, like faith and trust in your own ability to figure it out, or faith and trust in.
[00:22:21] Maybe I'm even being led to not even launch in this, excessive launch strategy and do business a little differently versus how she'd been doing it and making those decisions from fear. And so when we were able to look at that, she realized these traumatic patterns that had just been constantly coming up, that showed up in her business.
[00:22:41] And when she was able to see that, then she was able to break it because we can't change anything that we're not aware of. And so we first have to become aware of the. Even as uncomfortable as they are in order to make change. And so becoming aware of like, how does this decision really make me feel in my body?
[00:22:58] Because [00:23:00] your conscious mind is very skilled at giving all the reasons, all the logic, all the sometimes excuses all the words and all the labels versus your unconscious mind. Is it runs your body on a regular basis, like it runs your body while you're sleeping. You can learning how to have that conscious mind and unconscious mind, that trust that those intuitive hits that I believe come from God.
[00:23:26] That those intuitive gut instincts I don't know if I should get into business with this person. But then the conscious brain goes, but they've got this reputation and they're so qualified and all this. And then if you follow that conscious logic, then sometimes I've seen more often than not, than it leading to.
[00:23:42] Learning some very valuable lessons, but it taking some time to learn those lessons rather than learning to just trust your unconscious mind, which is in, in, in my beliefs and system connected to higher consciousness. Cuz we're not focused on beating our heart every minute, . So our unconscious mind runs the body.
[00:23:59] And so learning [00:24:00] that sometimes our body knows before our brain. And so when our and tuning into those feelings inside of our body of what is this decision that I need to make? Really making me feel, do I feel nervous? Do I feel fear? Do I feel excitement? Do I feel and tuning into the body? Cuz the brain can't decipher between fear and excitement.
[00:24:20] So tuning into what your body is saying, right? And when you start listening to the body of oh, how do I act? Do I actually feel. that scaling in this way, I think it's gonna provide me with the fulfillment that I want when I achieve X, Y, Z goal. But maybe if your body's like tense and tight and it's not wanting to do it, maybe tuning in and maybe there's a different way that you can explore.
[00:24:44] Scott Maderer: Or maybe again, like you said, you're chasing a feeling tied. An outcome. An outcome or a result as opposed to the feeling . Yep. Which may or may not even require that [00:25:00] result, yep. I work with a lot of people in the financial arena and one of the things that people will come is know, I wanna get out of debt.
[00:25:07] And it's No, you don't. No. Nobody actually wants to get outta debt. Honestly, what you want is a feeling of security or a feeling of freedom or the feeling of not having collectors call or whatever it is. That there's different things. It getting outta debt's just a goal.
[00:25:23] It's just, it's a way to go that direction. It's not even the only way , it's just one, Yeah. And especially with something like debt, so many people. . And I know this cuz I also had, when I had significant amount of debt when I first started my business, I, there was so much shame attached.
[00:25:40] Kim Spencer: Oh yeah. To this perception of debt and fear, shame, guilt, all sorts of guilt, fear, shame, guilt and all those beliefs that come along with those emotions. . And then on top of that when you look at it, I ha for me personally, I had to reevaluate my definition of what I, debt, I made debt be.
[00:25:57] So in the past, my definition of [00:26:00] debt was like, it means I'm bad with money, it means, and so I was creating all these complex equivalences, as we say, an n l P of this means that this, so debt means that I'm bad with money. Debt means that I. Business. And I'm like, I know if you actually take a look at like successful businesses they have, they, many of them are in debt,
[00:26:19] Still, or businesses that you would think would be, that you call successful, but actually a lot, some of them are insignificant debt. And then So I just redefined the definition of debt. To mean debt is simply a choice to pay something off over time. And when you redefining those labels of what you perceive something to mean, because a meaning means that there's belief attached to it, and then what you believe manifest into your reality.
[00:26:45] Scott Maderer: And it's also about identifying again, so let's say for instance that you have a business and you have the goal of getting out of debt Again, if you identify the feelings that you're actually really after, [00:27:00] yeah. Then you can actually begin to experience those good feelings on the way to getting out of debt as opposed to making it conditional on debt because you can redefine your relationship.
[00:27:12] what's going on in the money and the mindset you're Yeah. The way you label it and the way you experience changes and it'll
[00:27:20] Kim Spencer: feel so much better when you actually achieve the goal. , I promise. .
[00:27:24] Scott Maderer: Yeah. Yeah. And it's, yeah it and it also, I think it helps you stick to it more too, because I think one of the things that I've seen successful folks do is chase the goal, achieve the. Feel it for about two and a half seconds and then set the next big goal to chase the next feeling because they do get the dopamine head of achieving the goal. And oh, that feels good.
[00:27:48] Okay, now I'm done. Next goal. As opposed to actually experiencing the feeling before, during, and after , if that makes sense. Yeah. And being [00:28:00] like, the feeling is something that you can tap into easily. You can even like, , if you think of what, just by asking the question, by achieving this goal, what would that make me feel?
[00:28:12] Kim Spencer: What would that allow me to do? And. Then how can I have that feeling right now? Can I be more appreciative? Can I operate with more gratitude? Can I dance around my living room just because I'm excited and happy to be alive like ? However it is that you choose to experience what it is that, that would allow you to experience that feeling and then do more of what makes you feel that way.
[00:28:40] Scott Maderer: So what are some of the things that you think entrepreneurs and leaders need to really understand if they really wanna make an impact? I think most people go into business. Most people go into leadership positions, so they wanna make something happen, what are some of the things [00:29:00] you think leaders need to understand for that?
[00:29:03] Kim Spencer: I think understanding people, I mean understanding to operate as a leader and as a business owner. So often we make people and their behavior means something about who we are and when we can. take a different posi position. I like to work with my clients on, especially if there's a disagreement or maybe one of their employees or isn't performing to the level that they want.
[00:29:28] We take a omniscient point of view of let's look at your point of view, look at the other point of view, and then have, take that omniscient medium of what really is not what really needs to be said? What really is the problem? . For example, I had one client who was struggling with one of her employees, and in, during our session she was like, oh, Kim, she went and told this other employee that worked for me.
[00:29:56] She told her all about that she just didn't agree with this launch [00:30:00] plan and that and she said, I didn't know what to do about it. So I went and talked to one of my other employees and we talked about it, and we decided I decided that I would. Because she went and talked to this other employee and I said, do you realize you just fired your employee for doing the exact same thing that you did?
[00:30:15] You did . Yeah, . And it hit her like a ton of bricks. But she didn't realize that, that her perception was her projection. And so her. Lack of desire to
[00:30:26] Scott Maderer: It's okay when
[00:30:27] Kim Spencer: I do it. . Yeah. And I, it hit her. And I was like that's what role modeling the way is. You're set, you are setting the precedent as the leader.
[00:30:35] And so the values that you purport to your team, you also gotta be exemplifying those yourself. And when you're,
[00:30:42] Scott Maderer: and if you aren't, then they figure. They don't really fit. Yeah,
[00:30:46] Kim Spencer: they're not real. Exactly. And if you start operating in the values that you purport to be associated with your business, then you will start attracting the team members and the people who are also [00:31:00] actually living those values instead of pretending to be those values or wanting to be those values because our perception is our projection. And so when we look. Other people in their behavior and look at how can I adapt my communication? How can I adapt, how I choose to interact with that person? How can I, what can I learn from this experience? So instead of taking an attitude of judgment and leaning into the Dick Tator side of leadership, choosing to be a conscious leader and allowing.
[00:31:34] To be a reflection of your own leadership. And I don't mean, what I don't mean is swinging the pendulum to I'm at fault. I must be a bad leader. I must not be good at this. All of those sort of like limiting beliefs that are personalized because that also is keeping you stuck in the, as being a victim of yourself and versus blaming your employees or blaming your team [00:32:00] or blaming your customers that.
[00:32:02] That makes them you the victim of them Eliminating victimhood from the equation and choosing to take radical ownership and personal responsibility over your choices, your actions, your habits, how you show up, how you model the values, how you, how other people are interacting with you and. if other people are interacting you cu with you customers employees, investors, in a way that you are not a hundred percent on board with.
[00:32:32] A, that could be a boundary issue. B, that could be A values misalignment or C, that could be something that you are projecting and need to take ownership of and can look. From within yourself of oh how did I manifest this into my reality? How did I, how did, what did I need to learn from bringing this person on board, my team, who is just awful and is not a performer?
[00:32:56] What did I need to learn? Did I need to learn maybe to hire better? Did I need [00:33:00] to learn? Maybe to vet someone better? Like allowing yourself to have that attitude of curiosity rather than that attitude of condemnation. It will change the game for how you. .
[00:33:09] Scott Maderer: Or or did I hire a high performer on my team, but they're leaving bodies and they're wake
[00:33:15] Kim Spencer: sometimes that could be the case and oh, this person is such a high performer, but they're they're running everyone else out of the
[00:33:22] Scott Maderer: room. I've had a few of those employees over the years that I've had to have conversations with and say, wait, what's going on?
[00:33:29] Let's talk about that. So what are some of the ways that we get in our own way when it comes to growth and how can we help begin to get out of our own way, so to speak?
[00:33:42] Kim Spencer: So there was a really, I forget the psychologist who developed this principle back in the sixties, but he called what's called the he developed what's called the drama triangle.
[00:33:51] And there's three roles that we can be in, which is the victim, the villain, and the hero. And especially those who come [00:34:00] from capital ty trauma in their childhood. They're very used to being in this cycle. The victim role is where everything happens to you. You're not the cause of it. Everything happens to you.
[00:34:12] It's the government's fault. It's the economy's fault. Oh, I'm not getting customers because social, the algorithm must be off on social media, whatever it is, but it's e anything, not making you at fault. Then you have the villain side where they take not only. Their percentage of responsibility, but the, and they're the bad guy and they're at fault for everything.
[00:34:35] So it's not just a hundred percent responsibility, it's, oh, let me take this other person's responsibility and let me be responsible for the government and let me be responsible for the economy and those per let me be responsible for this person not performing. To the extent that to the extent that I must have not trained them, I must suck at hiring and all the et cetera, limit limiting beliefs that come along with that.
[00:34:55] And then there's the hero. Space, which is very much the codependent [00:35:00] and the hero will swoop in to save the victim and they'll swoop into chi the villain. They're taking on more than their fair share of the burden, and they're enabling others in the process. And so how we self-sabotage in essence is participating in one of these three roles.
[00:35:20] Now, when we recognize that we're in one of these three roles, that's when we allow for the victim to become the creator. So when the victim starts taking actual ownership of I may not have full control over what the president is doing or what the economy is doing, but I do have control over this.
[00:35:38] How about I make some sales calls and just start reaching out to people on my list and being proactive. When they take ownership for their actions, that's when the victim becomes a creator. When the villain becomes the challenger. So the villain, when the villain has the opportunity to take radical ownership, they remove the shame and blame off of themself, take radical [00:36:00] ownership, and then start challenging the status quo maybe there's they're the disruptor.
[00:36:04] They're the one, maybe, okay, maybe this. System and the way that it's been working is the way is not gonna serve for the future. So how can I make it serve? How can I work it better? What, what needs to be disrupted did, do we need to completely reconfigure this so that it works better and the hero can become the coach?
[00:36:20] So the hero moves from being enabling to be to the coaching role, which is where the coach. , here's where my boundary is. Like I will support you in making your own choices, and then when you make whatever choice it is that you choose to make, then we will see what the options are that are present there, and then we'll look at how that affected you, how you could maybe make a better choice, what new choice you could be make.
[00:36:44] And the coach is not, it's an interdependent relationship instead of a codependent relationship. And. When we are able to shift into those roles and recognize, cuz we all fall into spaces where it's very easy to blame at any time. And [00:37:00] that, and blame by the way, is a biological thing.
[00:37:03] So blame happens biologically. And we have conscious minds and our prefrontal cortex, that does allow us to have reason for us to see, okay, naturally my instinct was to blame and to put some the fault off on someone else or put the fault way on me or try to swoop in and save the day. Whereas what if instead I take present full responsibility for my present circumstances?
[00:37:30] And everybody, it's not an either or. It's an and give full responsibility for other people to, in their present circumstances as well. And that is empowerment. And
[00:37:40] Scott Maderer: I think it, that connects back to what we were just talking about with leaders understanding people too, is it's that idea of I, I.
[00:37:48] I am responsible for me. You are responsible for you, but we are also responsible for each other at some level, yes. Yeah.
[00:37:55] Kim Spencer: Yeah. We don't operate in a vacuum .
[00:37:58] Scott Maderer: Absolutely. [00:38:00] And I like what you said too about how he blame happens biologically cuz I, I think a lot of times we lose track of the fact that there are.
[00:38:07] There are unconscious , biological, neurological, reactive things that happen. But then we do have the power of choice and conscious thinking as well.
[00:38:19] Kim Spencer: Yeah. Our hardwire is still a palm pilot . We have to recognize that you can't, that even though our software must be, I dunno, I think mine
[00:38:29] Scott Maderer: might be a tin can on a string some days.
[00:38:31] I'm pretty sure it's a rusty tin can on a string. Our. Until dial up until, at least until I have coffee. And then maybe it upgrades a little bit .
[00:38:41] Kim Spencer: But just recognizing that there are certain biological proclivities, like when I have for example, my clients get upset cuz when we do timeline therapy with them, we eliminate all the negative emotions and, and we ask when was the root cause of this event, the first event, which one [00:39:00] disconnected and.
[00:39:01] Will cause a problem to completely disappear. And it's a combination of N L P N hypnosis that allows for that. And when they experience that emotion again, where it's like, ah, this thing made me angry. I thought we eliminated that for all time. And I'm like, yes. We eliminated it for the 126 bits of information that your neurology could process at that moment.
[00:39:25] And and yes, those results can be lasting and can change your neurology. But look at the anger. Anger and fear and emotions are a biological response. There was a great book by Dr. Jill Bolte. Literally measured a feeling lasts for 90 seconds physically and biologically. Not it, what happens is when we hold onto that feeling and or we don't let that feeling be fully expressed and we just repress it, suppress it.
[00:39:56] That's when it turns into what I call the negative emotion Jenga set of [00:40:00] the gestalt of negative emotions that builds up and builds up and builds up until suddenly you catch yourself like tripping and you react way bigger. And I think we've all had that experience where we suddenly, you're like, whoa, that's a really big reaction for such a tiny little thing.
[00:40:15] And that's when we know that, oh, that's operating off of. A deeper instilled negative emotion, which we can work through with different unconscious processes. Allow the, allowing the little thing was
[00:40:27] Scott Maderer: a trigger, not the actual problem. .
[00:40:29] Kim Spencer: Yeah. That was letting you know that the Jenga set is has had some blocks removed and is about to topple
[00:40:37] So being able to be aware of. Our feelings, being conscious of our feelings cuz we're, we are human beings. We're not human doings, we're not robots and feelings is what separates us from robots. And truly being able to feel and being able to feel to the full extent that has a place. So there's a great
[00:40:58] Kim Spencer: in the book, the 15 [00:41:00] Commitments of Conscious Leader.
[00:41:01] that walks people through the steps to consciously processing your feelings physiologically in a safe space to allow that feeling to process through your body, so then you can make whatever clear decision you have to next. If you get a email from a lawyer's. Suddenly that is like a legal action.
[00:41:20] Yeah, you might have a feeling of fear initially and it's gonna wash over you for the 90 seconds. So allowing yourself to fully feel that emotion and then trust that it's going to dissipate if you allow for that feeling. And in the book, the 15 commitments of conscious leadership, they say pair the feeling.
[00:41:37] picture the feeling as just like bits. It doesn't mean anything. It's not good, bad wrong. It's just a feeling. And so when you experience that feeling, think of it like, are the bits swirling or are they punching, or are they like whooshing? Whatever it is, use. Use some sort of label to describe the actual physiological sensation, not the meaning of which you are contextualizing it to [00:42:00] mean.
[00:42:00] And then add a sound and a physical movement to be able to help release it through your body. Or being able to or clapping or hitting your hand on the desk safely, obviously. Or punching a pillow or screaming into a pillow. So like I've had on more than one occasion, clients in the privacy of their own homes or offices scream into a pillow to release a negative emotion, and then suddenly they felt so much better because they were releasing the bi.
[00:42:27] Feeling and there's no shame, guilt or shame or guilt associated with that. That's just your biology as a human. It's, again we have those sorts of. Quote, hardwired reactions, but I think a lot of times be it, like you said it's the judgment that we liable on top of it that begins to make it not function well.
[00:42:50] Scott Maderer: Yeah. And
[00:42:52] Kim Spencer: That's when our neurology goes, oh, I, I shouldn't be feeling this. In your conscious mind is ma giving all these reasons as to why you shouldn't, or it's giving [00:43:00] all, it's bringing up all those limiting beliefs about yourself, and so that's why you gotta work with the unconscious.
[00:43:05] Cuz the unconscious mind is where change really happens. 95% of decisions are made with unconsciously. So trying to, that 5% of willpower isn't the way. It's basically betting on a boxer who has a 5% chance of winning, like you'd probably bet on the other guy , the 95% chance of winning.
[00:43:25] And you've
[00:43:26] Scott Maderer: heard the analogy of the elephant and the writer, right? Yeah. The con the conscious mind is the writer. The unconscious mind is the elephant. Yeah. As long as the writer has the elephant there's a relationship. It's okay. But if the elephant decides it's gonna go its own way, not much the writer can do about it.
[00:43:44] Kim Spencer: Yeah. It's not the elephant that's riding on the writer. Cause that is a big heavy
[00:43:48] Scott Maderer: sucker. Yeah. So I've got a few questions that I like to ask everybody, but before I go there, is there anything else you'd like to share about the work that you do?
[00:43:58] Kim Spencer: I would just encourage all of [00:44:00] your listeners to truly look at where do they need to take even more radical ownership over their productivity, over their performance, and with the people that they work with and manage and work with as customers and clients?
[00:44:14] Because I believe that entrepreneurship is a way to change the world and for the better, and especially small business owners who have such hearts for impact. And if we all can practice the principles of a bit more conscious leadership, I think our world will be better off for it. .
[00:44:33] Scott Maderer: So one of earlier I asked you to define the terms of trauma and my brand is inspired stewardship, and I run a lot of things through that lens of stewardship.
[00:44:43] And yet I've also discovered that's one of those words that people use it, it's kinda like leadership everybody uses it, but that doesn't necessarily mean we're all talking about the same thing. When you hear the word stewardship, what does that word mean to you? And what do you think about that word?
[00:44:58] Kim Spencer: First off, stewardship reminds me [00:45:00] of my last name, Spencer, which means steward. And for me that means being a servant leader. So not a pushover, but someone who is working for a divine purpose and working for the people. .
[00:45:16] Scott Maderer: So this is my favorite question. Let's imagine for a minute, I invented this magic machine and I was able to pluck you from where you are today and transport you magically into the future.
[00:45:29] 150, maybe 200 years. Ooh. And through the power of this machine, you were able to look back on your entire life and see all of the connections, all of the ripples, all of the relationships that you've left behind. What impact do you hope you've left behind in the.
[00:45:45] Kim Spencer: I hope that I have inspired at least 1 million children into conscious leadership and entrepreneurship to start their own.
[00:45:53] Start their own creations and to be able to feel and see and know what it is like to build [00:46:00] something that is substantial and impactful, and thus have those businesses ripple out into serving other people. I do believe that entrepreneurship has the power to change the world for the better when it is done consciously and from a place of servant leadership.
[00:46:17] And so being able to look. I would wanna see that epic impact. I'd also wanna see some really solid gener generational wealth strategies in place for my children, and my children's children, because the the very, very rich of this world think in terms of five generations and over half of Americans live paycheck to paycheck.
[00:46:40] And if we can start thinking from a more generational wealth of what is it that we don't want, not only that we wanna have for our. ourselves to provide for our own lives, but for our children and for our grandchildren, even great-grandchildren, up to five generations, that is how we can literally remove [00:47:00] the generational wealth trauma that's in a lot of people's d n a.
[00:47:04] Scott Maderer: So as we kick off the new year here, what's coming next for you as you continue on your.
[00:47:09] Kim Spencer: Our agency is growing, so we have a podcast, guesting agency to, to help people get booked on the right podcasts. And so that is growing massively and I'm very excited for that. As well as my clients are just achieving such epic results working with me one-on-one.
[00:47:26] The those are the main things, and watching my kids grow, that's, those
[00:47:32] Scott Maderer: are the best . So you can find out more about Kim on Facebook or Instagram as Crown yourself Now, or she has a YouTube channel as Crown Yourself or Find her under Kimberly Spencer on LinkedIn, and she has an Instagram account under Kimberly Spencer as well.
[00:47:51] Of course, I'll have links to all of that in the show notes. She also has a podcast of her own called The Princess and the B, that's the letter B, not. [00:48:00] Flying insect B, and of course you can find that the same place that you found this podcast are all great podcast are found or just G look her up on her website firstname.lastname@example.org.
[00:48:12] Of course, I'll have links to all of those. Kim, is there anything else you'd like to share with the lister? No,
[00:48:18] Kim Spencer: I am just honored to have been a guest, and if you really like this conversation and you'd like to learn more of what it's like to work with a trauma-informed coach, I'd love to have a conversation and continue this one-on-one.
[00:48:43] Scott Maderer: Thanks so much for listening to the Inspired Stewardship Podcast. As a subscriber and listener, we challenge you to not just sit back and passively listen, but act on what you've heard and find a way to live your calling. [00:49:00] If you enjoyed this episode please do us a favor. Go over to inspired stewardship.com/itunes.
[00:49:10] Rate all one word iTunes rate. It'll take you through how to leave a rating and review, and how to make sure you're subscribed to the podcast so that you can get every episode as it comes out in your feed. Until next time, invest your. Your talent and your treasures. Develop your influence and impact the world.
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First of all trauma can be a huge motivator. It activates the amygdala of our brain which is fight, flight, freeze. – Kim Spencer
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