Episode 1184: Why Is Setting Boundaries So Hard?

[00:00:00] Scott Maderer: Thanks for joining me on episode 1,184 of the inspired stewardship podcast.

[00:00:06] Dr. Rick Chromey: I'm Dr. Rick Chromey and I challenge you to invest in yourself, invest in others, develop your influence and impact the world by using your time, your talent and your treasures to live out your calling. Having the ability to improve consistently over time is key.

[00:00:22] My friends. And one way to be inspired to do that is to listen to this, the inspired stewardship podcast with my friend Scott Maderer

[00:00:31] Scott Maderer: So what do you do about it? The truth is setting boundaries is a scary. But often because it's getting in touch with your deeper values because it's sitting down and saying, these are my non-negotiables, these are the things that I truly believe these are the Hills that I will really stand on.

[00:00:53] Welcome and thank you for joining us on the inspired stewardship podcast. If you truly [00:01:00] desire to become the person who God wants you to be, then you must learn to use your time, your talent and your treasures for your true calling in the inspired stewardship podcast, who will learn to invest in yourself, invest in others and develop your influence.

[00:01:16] So that. Can impact the world

[00:01:19] in today's episode about investing in others, through stewarding your talent. I talk with you about why it's so difficult to set boundaries and share six reasons why it's so hard. I share why setting boundaries can cause you to lose what you want, but get what you need. And I also talk about some of the areas of your life.

[00:01:37] You may want to set boundaries. you've heard me talk about developing your talent and one of the best ways to do that is through books. But if you're like most people today, it's hard to find the time to read. And that's why today's podcast is brought to you by audible. Go to inspired stewardship.com/audible to sign up.[00:02:00]

[00:02:00] And you can get a 30 day free trial. There's over 180,000 titles to choose from, and you can pick one and listen your way to developing your talents via audible. That's inspired stewardship.com/audible. To get your free trial and listen to great books the same way you're listening to this podcast. I think we'd all agree that the struggle to set boundaries in life is real.

[00:02:28] I think all of us have had those moments when we know we're saying yes to things that we really shouldn't. And we feel that because of that, our energy is being drained. Maybe we feel resentful deep inside. We have boundaries that are unclear and because of that, we continue to give away our time, our energy.

[00:02:50] And these sorts of things in ways that we really don't want to, but it just seems to happen. It's those I didn't want to, but I [00:03:00] had two moments that begin to drain our energy. And the real truth is personal boundaries can be really challenging because they're so personal. They're so unique. They're what we have for us.

[00:03:14] And they aren't necessarily the same across every. In fact, I would argue that they never really are a hundred percent, the same personal boundaries are those things that define what is the end of us and where others begin both emotionally, physically in all of these ways. And setting boundaries is about honoring who you are and your own feelings.

[00:03:39] So when you don't do it, it's often because you don't have good feelings about who you. And what you deserve so to speak or what you've earned or what you're able to have or said in a spiritual way, what God wants for you to have. You don't honor that [00:04:00] part of yourself. This is the danger about serving.

[00:04:04] know, We talk a lot on this podcast about serving others, taking care of others, making sure that we love others. But part of that commandment is also about loving ourselves. And we often end up sacrificing everything about ourselves for others. And that's not exactly healthy either. That's not exactly what we're supposed to be doing yet doing.

[00:04:29] So setting these boundaries. Is important. I think we would all agree that yesterday I talked about time boundaries and tomorrow I'm gonna talk about money boundaries, but today I'm talking more about personal boundaries or relationship boundaries. So how do you know if you're having difficulties setting boundaries?

[00:04:51] How do you know if maybe you're not setting boundaries as well as you should? What are some of the danger signs or warning sign? [00:05:00] Of not having healthy boundaries, the first and most obvious one is, do you find yourself saying yes to things that you really wish you could say no. To do you find yourself saying yes, because you have to do it as opposed to, because you chose to do it.

[00:05:19] The difference in those two words is vital. A choice to give up some of your time and energy for someone else is no. Feeling like somehow you're have to do it. It's a made thing is not second warning sign. Do you find yourself apologizing often? Especially not just when you feel sorry, but actually when you feel angry, do you begin to feel responsible for other people's happys?

[00:05:53] And what's happening to them as opposed to just yourself, when you find [00:06:00] yourself apologizing, even when you don't actually feel sorry, you may have difficulty around personal boundaries. The third one, do you have a fear or do you avoid confrontation and conflict, even healthy conflict or confront? If you avoid communicating anything that might cause someone else discomfort, then you probably have a problem setting personal boundaries, or you're in a relationship that isn't healthy in some way.

[00:06:36] The next one do you often are always put everyone else's needs first. And again, this isn't about serving others and taking care of others. It's. Also taking care of yourself. It's about at least being on the list. Instead, if you're never on the list, if there's never anything that you do for internal care, for self care, [00:07:00] for any of those sorts of things, then you probably have some problems setting boundaries.

[00:07:08] Two more. If you have a great degree of perfectionism, if, because you want it to always be done, right? You have to be the one that always does it. Then you probably have a hard time setting certain boundaries. and then the last one is simply social conditioning is because of your belief in gender roles or roles being the mother, being the dad, whatever it is.

[00:07:37] If you have this feeling that because you are X, you must do Y again, it's a half to feeling like we talked about earlier. It's that have to, because of this, as opposed to choosing to, because of this, that makes it an unhealthy. Boundary. So what do you do about it? The truth [00:08:00] is setting boundaries is a scary thing, but often because it's getting in touch with your deeper values, because it's sitting down and saying, these are my non-negotiables, these are the things that I truly believe these are the Hills that I will really stand on.

[00:08:18] It allows you to sometimes lose some of what you feel like you want. Which is validation or feeling somehow important, but it allows you to get what you actually need a deeper feeling of emotional commitment and feeling of connection. So what do you have to define what's really important. You have to get in touch with your values and then you have to practice.

[00:08:48] The ability of saying, no, you have to step up and say, this is a non-negotiable. This is something that is so under [00:09:00] importance for me. So what are some areas in your life that you probably want to look at? Setting boundaries? You probably wanna set certain emotional boundaries areas around your life, where you have healthy boundaries, you feel in control of your own emotional state, and you're not looking to others to make you happy or sad.

[00:09:25] You wanna set some material boundaries around your stuff, your material, possessions. What are you willing to give up before you say no? What are you willing to give away without saying no? You wanna have physical boundaries or boundaries around privacy and personal space and separation from others.

[00:09:46] And again, this is a very personal thing. And even in a relationship with someone else, you still have to have some level of physical boundaries. And then of course you have to have spiritual boundaries around [00:10:00] your connection to God and to others. And then lastly, you have to have mental boundaries as well.

[00:10:08] Boundaries that protect your opinions, your values, and your beliefs. Each of these areas to be healthy has to have some level of independence and some level where you've identified your heart and your soft boundaries, and where you stop and the rest of the world begins. Thanks for listening.

[00:10:31] Thanks so much for listening to the inspired stewardship podcast as a subscriber and listener, we challenge you to not just sit back and passively listen, but act on what you've heard and find a way to live your calling. If you like this episode on the stewardship of talent, you can go over to inspired stewardship.com/talent and sign up for our five week series [00:11:00] on the stewardship of talent.

[00:11:02] Or if you're in the us, you can text 4, 4, 2, 2 talent tips. That's talent tips to 4 4, 2, 2, 2, and get those tips until next time. Invest your. Your talent and your treasures develop your influence and impact the world.