Episode 1099: What is Conflict?

[00:00:00] Scott Maderer: Thanks for joining me on episode 1099 of the inspired stewardship podcast.

[00:00:07] Scott Brookens: I'm Scott Brookens from Scott brookings.com. I encourage you to find the way to be inspired to start your dream business and find freedom. And one way to do that is to be inspired by this the inspired stewardship podcast with my friend, Scott.

[00:00:21] Scott Maderer: It's less about what happened and more about how do you perceive it? How do you feel about it? Because at the end of the day, getting people to express how they feel is more important than what happened. Because again, remember objectively, you're probably going to see two different. And viewing the reality.

[00:00:47] Welcome. And thank you for joining us on the inspired stewardship podcast. If you truly desire to become the person who God wants you to be, then you must learn to use your time, your talent and your treasures [00:01:00] for your true calling and the inspired stewardship podcast. Go learn to invest in yourself.

[00:01:06] Invest in. And develop your influence so that you can impact the world.

[00:01:13] in today's episode about investing in yourself through stewarding your talent. I talk with you about what really is conflict. I talk about how you can respond to conflict in a healthy way, and why conflict can harm so much of your. But you just can't avoid or ignore it. You've heard me talk about developing your talent.

[00:01:34] And one of the best ways to do that is through books. But if you're like most people today, it's hard to find the time to read. And that's why today's podcast is brought to you by audible. Go to inspired stewardship.com/audible to sign up and you can get a 30 day free trial. There's over 180,000 titles to choose from.

[00:01:57] And you can pick one and listen your [00:02:00] way to developing your talents via. That's inspired stewardship.com/audible to get your free trial and listen to great books the same way you're listening to this podcast. As I talked about yesterday, this week, we're talking a lot about conflict. So I wanted to go in and talk about what conflict really is anyway, and how you can deal with.

[00:02:26] Cause conflict causes problems in your time and in your money, which we've talked about time yesterday or productivity yesterday. And we'll talk about money and finances tomorrow, but the truth is we need to think about what is a conflict. So a conflict is more than just a disagreement. It tends to be a disagreement or a dis misunderstanding that has re risen to the level that one or more of the people involved feel like this is a threat to themselves.

[00:02:58] They feel like [00:03:00] this is something that is going to cause physical or emotional or monetary harm that threat by the way, doesn't have to be real. It just has to be perceived. Conflicts tend to grow over time, because anytime you feel like there's a threat to you, a threat to your family, a threat to your productivity, a threat to your financial stability, a threat to your life.

[00:03:26] Those threats mean that your survival instincts kick in and they will heighten your sense of protection. Notice by the way I said the threat doesn't have to be real. It can be perceived because the truth is we view everything in reality, through our own lenses, we don't really see objective truth or objective reality.

[00:03:50] We simply see things through the filter of our life experiences or culture, our values and our beliefs. That mean that the facts that we observed. [00:04:00] Aren't necessarily the same facts that others observe. That doesn't mean that you're lying. And it doesn't mean that the other person's lying. It often just means that we're both looking at the same thing from different points of view.

[00:04:14] That's where that expression of there's three sides to every story. There's the one person's side, the other person's side. And then there's the truth that usually lies in the. I actually say that there's even more than three, because yes, there is probably an objective truth, but if I'm coming in to help people deal with the conflict, I've got my own lens through which I look.

[00:04:35] So that creates yet another truth in this situation, conflicts often trigger strong emotional reactions. A conflict comes ultimately from simply a different. And those differences can be large or they can be small when people disagree over their values, their motivations, their [00:05:00] perceptions, their ideas, their desires.

[00:05:03] When they look at the world and see two different worlds, it creates conflict. And often the difference may appear really trivial and small from the outside. But if. Create strong feelings that usually illustrates that there's a deeper need. That's buried down deep. That is actually the core of the problem.

[00:05:29] And these needs usually around acceptance and safety and security and freedom and understanding and closeness and intimacy and friendship and trust these sorts of things. But the problem is that when there's conflict. Things end up being at odds and we don't go necessarily the same direction. And you actually have to think about what do we do to respond to conflict if you [00:06:00] stop and think you've probably been in conflict situations or observed conflict situations.

[00:06:05] And you've probably seen some really bad responses to conflict. Basically people that have an inability to recognize and respond, that something else matters to someone else. They're their own view. These are the people that we say the universe revolves around them. They see everything as if it revolves around them.

[00:06:25] You've probably seen people blow up with anger and hurt and resentment and explosions of emotion. You've probably seen people withdraw. Or cut people off or create isolation or abandonment. You've seen people who are unwilling and unable to compromise, or even attempt to view the other person's point of view.

[00:06:50] And you've seen people that are probably afraid because all conflict means pain and they always expect a bad outcome. But the truth is [00:07:00] there's also healthy responses to conflict. Being able to empathize with the other person's viewpoint. And that usually involves actually listening to the other person's viewpoint, not simply listening so that you now can have your own word, but truly listening to try to understand where they're coming from.

[00:07:23] It involves forcing yourself to have calm, non-defensive respectful reaction. And allow, it means having the ability to forgive and actually even to forget and move past the conflict, if it has been settled without resentment or holding onto it, it's about looking for places of agreement and compromise places where you can actually give in and places where the other person can as.

[00:07:54] And it's recognizing that at the end of the day, dealing with the conflict is [00:08:00] always the best. The truth is that doesn't mean you necessarily need to deal with it right then at the moment, because the truth is sometimes that's what our emotions that are at the highest. We often need to pay attention to our own emotional state and get ourselves calm and able to relieve stress first.

[00:08:22] Taking deep breaths slowing down and allowing ourselves to try to then approach the situation. Almost like a, an anthropologist coming into the situation, coming in and saying, what is it that's going on? And then actually digging in and actually asking questions and being very focused and aware of the emotion of the situation.

[00:08:53] More than the facts. It's less about what happened and more about how do you [00:09:00] perceive it? How do you feel about it? Because at the end of the day, getting people to express how they feel is more important than what happened. Because again, remember objectively, you're probably going to see two different truce in viewing the reality, but if we can talk about their perception and our feelings, there's a huge difference between.

[00:09:25] You did that, and this is what you did to me. And this happened, and this is how I felt about it, or this is what I think happened. And this is how I felt about it. This is what I've perceived. And here is how I feel is very different than you did this to me, it's recognizing and being open to creating resolution rather.

[00:09:53] That just putting forward your own view or your own needs and ignoring the needs of the [00:10:00] other. That's how you actually deal with the conflict to put it at peace so that you can move on. Thanks for that.

[00:10:09] Thanks so much for listening to the inspired stewardship podcast, as a subscriber and listener, we challenge you to not just sit back and passively listen, but act on what you've heard and find a way to live your calling. If you liked this episode on the stewardship of talent, you can go over to inspired stewardship.com/.

[00:10:35] And sign up for our five week series on the stewardship of talent, or if you're in the U S you can text 4, 4, 2, 2, 2 talent tips. That's talent tips to 4 4, 2, 2, 2, and get those tips until next time. Invest your time. Your talent and your treasures develop your influence [00:11:00] and impact the world.